A Horrid Summary
by Sans Papiers
Summary: My attempt at summarizing the musical The Woman in White. Not the book. This is on the musical and not the book. This is written also partly by my sister, persephonegoddess. Many a thing is glossedovershortenedelongatedinstertedmadeamessof.
1. Premier

(The Beginning- A telegraph station-thing next to train tracks. Probably lots of fog swirling around in a very ghostly and frightening fashion.)

Walter: Hello! Is anyone out there? Hello? I need attention….

Signal Man: (appears out of nowhere.) Yo. Who're you?

Walter: (blinks)

Signal Man: Yo?

Walter: Where did you-

Signal Man: Nowhere. I'm talented. And psychic. By the way, I had a dream that you'd be here. You stood where you're standing and you said that your name was Walter Hartwright and that a train broke down so you had to walk. You also said that you were the drawing master for those two freaky girls at Limmeridge House and that you start tomorrow.

Walter: You're freaky. By the way, my name's Walter Hartwright. The train broke down and now I have to walk. I am also the drawing master for those two freaky girls at Limmeridge House. I start tomorrow.

Signal Man: In the dream, you also said that in a year to this day the dead will lie on the tracks.

Walter: (blinks) I didn't say that.

Signal Man: You will.

(They wait.)

Walter: I really don't know any circumstances where dead people would want to lie on tracks.

Signal Man: You're stupid. I'm ditching you. By the way, there's danger on the line. Don't touch it. (Exits.)

Walter: Freak.

(He walks. The background music slowly climbs, and Walter is run over by a freaky lady in white.)

Walter: Whoa. Wtf?

Woman in White (Anne): I NEED ATTENTION CAN I TRUST YOU I HAVE A SECRET THERES SOMEONE AFTER ME AND I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG AND I have a secret and you don't know it. Ha ha. I know something you don't know….

Walter: (blinks) I'm going back to London. People there are saner. (remembers Sweeney Todd.) Never mind. You're at least saner than Mr. Todd. I'm never working for him again...I don't care who he tells about the mass murders-

Anne: I have a secret. I want to tell the person that I have to tell it to.

Walter: Ok. Tell me. You can trust me. My name's Walter.

Anne: No.

Walter: Come one. You can always trust people named Walter.

Anne: No. I HAVE A SECRET AND THERE'S SOMEONE COMING I HAVE TO GET AWAY I HAVE TO GET AWAY CAN I TRUST YOU I HAVE A SECRET- (runs down tracks.)

Walter: Wtf.


	2. Deuxieme

(Walter is driven nicely to Limmeridge after his rather scarring and nonsensical adventure.)

Marian: HI! I'M REALLY HAPPY YOU'RE HERE- I SUCK AT DRAWING BUT MY SISTER'S GOOD- WELL LAURA'S TECHNICALLY MY HALF SISTER BUT SHE'S THE PRETTY ONE AND I'M NOT BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE ME DEPRESSED I LOVE MY SISTER I'D DO ANYTHING FOR HER AND SHE'S PRETTY BUT I'M UGLY AND BY THE WAY SHE'S ALSO THE RICH ONE BUT THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM BECAUSE SHE'LL DEFINITELY SHARE IT WITH ME AND WE'RE REALLY CLOSE-

Walter: um….

Marian: SHUT UP WALTER-KINS ANYWAY MY UNCLE- WELL ACTUALLY LAURA'S UNCLE- IS A HYPOCHONDRIAC AND HE'S ALWAYS UNHAPPY AND OH, I'M SORRY, I'VE BEEN TALKING FOR A LONG TIME, I ALWAYS TRY TO NOT TALK ALL THE TIME BUT IT DOESN'T WORK AND ANYWAY, I HOPE YOU LIKE IT HERE. (she walks away.)

Walter: Wtf. London is definitely saner with or without Sweeney. (he goes to see Mr. Fairlie- Laura's uncle.)

Mr. Fairlie: You're stupid. You're young. You don't know anything. I'm sick and I'm dying- but hey, my brother Laura's father was rich, so I'm living off his wealth. It's all good. By the way, my brother was catnip to the ladies. Just felt like saying that. Anyhoo, you're stupid. I should send you back to London. But I'm too lazy. Don't lurk about, you oafish lout. I trust you'll like it here.

Walter: Gosh, people here are really messed up.

(Cut to Laura standing in front of a mirror.)

Laura: WHO'S THE PRETTY ONE? I'M THE PRETTY ONE! WHO'S PRETTIER THAN MARIAN? I'M PRETTIER THAN MARIAN!

(Walter comes in. Laura quickly pretends to have been playing piano. Walter stares at her drooling for a while until Marian comes in again.)

Marian: Yeah, I told you she's the pretty one.

Laura: But you're not bitter!

Marian: Never…We are good friends…(makes strangling motions.)

Laura: How was the journey here?

Walter: (remembers the Signal Man and Anne) Scarring. Traumatizing. Nonsensical.

Laura: Scandalous. Tell, tell.

Walter: Ok. You're pretty. I think I luvb you. So first the train breaks down. And I meet the Signal Man. And he tells me that he's psychic and that in a year the dead would lie on the tracks. And then a crazy lady completely dressed in white almost runs me over and starts ranting about a secret.

Marian: Ooh. We are soo starved for excitement. Can you tell that _nothing_ happens here?

Walter: Yes. Anyhoo, then she ran away. (Looks at Laura.) She looked a lot like you. Seriously. Like, twins. It's intensely frightening. But let's make a bigger deal of the fact that Laura and Anne look a lot alike and could pass for twins.

Marian: That's a kewl mystery. We should solve it. We have nothing better to do.

Walter: Later. And now, let's go paint.

Laura: (silly soprano look.) Ok. I luvb you, Walter-Kins.


	3. Troisieme

(Walter, Marian and Laura go paint.)

Laura: My paintings are dull.

Marian: I suck at painting. I'm a notch below a chimpanzee.

Walter: Laura, you're pretty. If you can't draw, no one's gonna care.

Laura: I know. You're utterly hot, Walter-kins.

Marian: But what about _me_?

Walter: You're ugly. No one will ever like you as anything more than a friend. By the way, you're a great friend. I'm glad that we can talk.

Laura: Same here, Marian dearie. Walter, your arms are so manly.

Marian: I LOVE YOU WALTER!

Walter: Whatever. Laura, I love you.

Laura: I love you too. Marian, go away. You're ugly.

Marian: (goes away and chops off the heads of twenty Russian Catfishes, then puts them in Laura's room.)

Laura: I love you.

Walter: I love you. I made a purdy picture of you. (He gives her a painting he did of her.)

Laura: It's pretty…I'll treasure it always. I love you, Walter-kins. Even though I know that it is wrong, as you are poor and I'm kinda engaged…

Villagers: (pop up and start dancing and doing the nineteenth century version of the Macarana.) IT'S LAMMASTIDE LETS ALL DANCE AND SING!

Laura: But what if I don't want to?

Villagers: TOO BAD! IT'S LAMMASTIDE AND _EVERYONE_ DANCES AND SINGS!

Laura: Walter is right. The people here are extremely frightening.

Random Woman: Stay outside until you stop being crazy.

Random Girl: (cries pitifully. Looks around. Doesn't see anyone caring. Walks over ten feet to where Walter's sitting. Cries some more.)

Walter: What's up?

Random Girl: She said I was telling tales. It makes me sad.

Walter: Were you telling tales?

Random Girl: No comment. Anyhoo, do you believe in…(looks from side to side with CREEPY eyes)…. _g-ghosts_?

Walter: I actually have an interesting theory on that. I believe that the dead do go one- we carry them inside of us- do you want to hear it-

Random Girl: No. Anyhoozle, I saw a ghost by the graveyard and she was all in white and I got really freaked out. And now- (Disclaimer: The following song is from the musical Cabaret, which was not written by either of the authoresses. Despite what they wish.)

'_What good is sitting alone in your room?_

_Come here the music play._

_Life is a Cabaret, old chum._

_Come to the Cabaret-'_

Walter: Shut up. Your only use to anyone in this play is to say that you saw the ghost- whom we assume is Anne/the Woman in White. Stop singing Cabaret. It wasn't even invented until about a hundred so years after this takes place. Anyhoo, I'm going to ditch you now. (He ditches her to look in the graveyard.)

Anne: (pops up from behind him.) HI WALTER-KINS! I KNOW YOU!

Walter: Are you a ghost, or just really freaky?

Anne: Neither, I'm both. The name's Catherick. Anne Catherick. And I'm not lying and only partly crazy.

Walter: O…k…

Anne: I used to live here. And then they put me in an asylum even though I wasn't crazy. I'm going to tell the one I seek my secret and then the person that put me in the asylum and wronged me will die a long slow painful death and I will laugh. (channels Cathy Ames from East of Eden by John Steinbeck which neither of the authoresses own.) I will take his life and it will be my great pleasure to do so…twitch (snaps out of it). His name is Sir Percival Glyde. That's Sir Percival Glyde. In case you've forgotten, that's Sir Percival Glyde who wronged me and who must die the long slow death. When he does, all will be good because then he won't be able to hurt anyone else. Remember his name or I will hunt you down and smack you with a rubber haddock. SIR PERCIVAL GLYDE. Ta. (she leaves.)

Walter: Wtf.

Marian: Hey. I _really_ have to talk to you now. Great things are afoot.

Walter: No they aren't.

Marian: Humor me.

Walter: Sure. You're a good friend.

Marian: CURSE YOU! I LOVE YOU! No. I'm hiding that, actually. Anyhoo……You like your job right?

Walter: If I didn't have it, I'd probably go back to being an alcoholic. Are you hinting that I might get fired?

Marian: Watch me ramble on about a stupid and totally unconnected subject. Laura sometime sleepwalks. I would wake and find her….on the stair…unaware of how she got there…I have to protect her. And I know your secret.

Walter: If Sweeney's been saying that I helped him that's a lie. I only killed five of the people…I mean…I KILLED NO ONE. Right. Because killing is…wrong…

Marian: (blinks.) No, the one about you being in love with Laura.

Walter: Oh. Yes. That. Well, that's not exactly secret. We've been mooning over each other for the past month-ish.

Marian: She's engaged. Forget her. Meanwhile, I'm still as available as ever.

Walter: But you're ugly. So Laura's gonna marry someone else?

Marian: Yep. Her father chose him. And she loved her father.

Walter: What's her fiancé's name?

Marian: First tell me that you won't track him down and kill him.

Walter: No.

Marian: His name is Glyde. Sir Percival Glyde. In case you forgot, his name is Sir Percival Glyde. Let us make more of a point that his name is Glyde.

Walter: DOES EVERYONE HERE THINK I HAVE A SHORT TERM MEMEORY THING HERE? ( tries to put two and two together.) wait…Anne said that the guy who did something evil had to die…and she told me his name…she said it many times…ide…jide…Hyde…Edward Hyde…(smiles evilly.) Yes…I get along well with Mr. Hyde. A bit annoying though when that annoying Dr. Jekyll tries to take back his mind…

Anne: (pops up.) (hits with rubber haddock.) Stop shoving in random bits from other musicals. And his name is Glyde. Sir Percival Glyde. (writes the name on a post-it and smashes it in Walter's forehead.) (pops away.)

Walter: Glyde! Of course! (thinks.) Marian, what's Laura's fiancé's name again?

Marian: (picks up hatchet.)

Walter: Glyde…yes…Hey! They're the same person! Oh crud…Laura's going to marry a dude who probably does unspeakable evil things…plus I bet he's a jerk. He probably is also ugly. Maybe Marian should marry him instead of Laura.

Marian: Actually, he's charming, sophisticated, intelligent, rich, and utterly hot with a purdy tenor voice.

Walter: Marian, stop poking my bubbles.

Marian: There is no tooth fairy. And the Easter Bunny is really the Trick's Cereal rabbit in disguise. (Disclaimer: None of the Authoresses own the concept, corporations, or Mafia crime ring of the Trick's Cereal rabbit.)

Walter: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


	4. Quatrieme

(Cut to Glyde arriving.)

Mr. Fairlie: Sir Percival Glyde! We're glad to see you!

Glyde: I'm glad to be here folks. Seriously.

Marian: You're rich. You're kewl. I like you.

Glyde: You're ugly. But good, because you don't suspect me.

Marian: Why would I suspect you?

Glyde: There is no reason to suspect me. All who do are crazy. But Laura….Laura, you're the pretty one. You're so pretty. I love you. You still love me, right?

Laura: Right…

Walter: I HATE YOU YOU'RE STUPID JERKY GLYDE PERSON-

Mr. Fairlie: (punches Walter.) Just ignore the drawing teacher.

Glyde: Will do. By the way, Laura, I need your money. I mean, you. I need you. You. I love you. Can we have a Christmas wedding?

Laura: But I thought it was summer….

Glyde: No. It's winter now. Christmas wedding. Now. Please?

Laura: Ok. My father wanted it.

Glyde: YAY! Now I'll have money. Marian you can live with us.

Marian: YAY! Now I can have somewhere to live!

Glyde: Count Fosco is going to be our best man. You'll like him. He's played by Michael Crawford. Everyone likes Michael Crawford.

Fan Girls: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WE LOVE YOU MICHAEL-MICHAEL!

(Cut to Fosco's arrival.)

Fosco: I like mice. Micey mice mice. No real reason why, but I do. Micey mice mice…

Marian: Yo. What's with the mice?

Fosco: I like mice. Micey mice mice…

Marian: Dude?

Fosco: You're pretty. I will stalk you.

Marian: Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Fosco: Watch me make many an innuendo. May I nibble on the hand that feeds me?

Marian: You're a freak. Go away. Stay away from my hands.

(At dinner.)

Fosco: I have a gift for living well. Its handy. Now a toast to my best buddy Glyde and his bride, Laura. And to Laura's half sister, whom I am trying to seduce.

Everyone: Yay!

Marian: STOP STALKING ME YOU FREAKY ITALIAN!

Fosco: No.

Walter: I WANNA TALK!

Mr. Fairlie: No. Shut up. (punches Walter.)

Walter: Ow. Glyde! Anne Catherick says that you have done her wrong. I don't know what you supposedly did, but it is apparently grave. What do you have to say?

Glyde: Anne's mom worked for me as per Laura's father's recommendation. Anne was a freaky kid. She was psycho. I sent her to a psych ward to help her. But she hates me for it. I don't know why.

Fosco: That's kind of you.

Marian: So much for an exciting mystery.


	5. Cinquieme

(Later)

Walter: He's lying!

Marian: Shut up. How dare you doubt the naice rich man who is going to let me live on a lot of money even though I'm ugly. Go back to London.

Laura: NO! I LOVE MY WALTER-WALTER-KINS!

Marian: Shut up, Laura. If you don't marry Glyde, then I can't live with you. Besides, he's cute and nice and rich. You'll be happy. Walter, go away.

Walter: I clearly don't belong here. I'm going back to London to see if Sweeney will hire me back. I'll probably become an alcoholic again. All thanks to you, Marian. I though we were friends. Are you happy now?

Marian: Of course. (twitches and runs away) I LOVE MY WALTER-WALTER-KINS!

Walter: I'm going to ignore that. I'm going. I will love you for forever, Laura.

Laura: Take back your painting to remember me. (She gives him the painting he made of her.) (he goes.)

Laura: I'M REALLY SAD!

Freaky Chorus: (sing The Holly and The Ivy in a freaky minor tone.)

Laura: Dudes, this is a wedding. It's supposed to be happy.

Freaky Chorus: It's foreshadowing. Besides, it's a Webber musical.

Laura and Glyde: (Get married)

Anne: OH CRUD! I HAVE TO TELL LAURA MY SECRET BUT IT'S TOO LATE! Now she'll be the lady of Blackwater House…all the rooms full of sorrow….the lake filled with teardrops…where you're at his mercy and he knows no mercy…Oi. Crud. They're coming to lock me up again. Gotta run. (runs.)

(Glyde and Laura go on their honeymoon. Glyde and Laura come back. Marian is already at the house.)

Marian: WELCOME BACK!

Laura: (glare. Storms off.)

Marian: Laura? Laura, trust me. Tell me what's wrong.

Laura: YOU JERK YOU TOLD ME TO MARRY HIM HE'S A WIFEBEATER AND HE ONLY WANTS MY MONEY AND I'M TOTALLY BRUISED UP AND LIKE HALF DEAD AND IT'S ALL YOUR FREAKIN' FAULT! YOU SENT AWAY MY WALTER-WALTER-KINS. I'm sad. Go away.


	6. Sixieme

(Marian goes walking in the forest.)

Marian: Oh crud. I really screwed up. Oh well. I already have no life. I might as well dedicate it to saving Laura. LAURA MUST SAVE LAURA.

Anne: (pops up) HI! I know a secret and with it we will bring down Glyde. Bring Laura here tomorrow and I'll tell her and all will be good.

Marian: Whoa. You look a lot like Laura. Let's make even more of a point of that. Can I know the secret?

Anne: (hits with rubber haddock.) NO. You're ugly and stupid and no one loves you. (pops away.)(reappears) HADDOCK! Teehee. (pops away again)

Marian: I'm sad.

(Cut to the next morning.)

Glyde: Laura, sign this.

Laura: What is it?

Glyde: Sign.

Laura: Can I know what it is?

Glyde: No. Sign.

Fosco: (walks in.) Wazzup.

Glyde: You're the witness. Laura. Sign. Now. Don't make me kill you.

Fosco: Percival. Killing is wrong.

Glyde: Yes…wrong…

Marian: She has a right to know what she signs.

Glyde: Not here she doesn't. Sign.

Laura: No.

Glyde: CONFOUNDED WOMAN YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BUSINESS!

Fosco: Dude. Calm down. The papers can wait.

Glyde: No they can't. Laura. Sign.

Laura: No.

Glyde: You're my wife. Do as I say. (Picks up hatchet)

Fosco: Percival….

Glyde: Stay out of my way, Michael-Michael. Laura, you will be confined until you see the and chopped up into little bits…

Marian: Something's wrong about this…

Laura: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! NOT AGAIN! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!

Fosco: Glyde…Put down the hatchet…

Glyde: SIGN THE PAPER NOW OR I KILL YOU! I KILL YOU ALL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fosco: GLYDE! YOU'RE WRECKING THE PLAN! REMEMBER THE PLAN! CALM DOWN AND GO AWAY!

(Glyde goes away.)

Marian: Wow. You're kewl. You saved us.

Fosco; It was my duty. Do you love me now?

Marian: No.

Fosco: Oh well. It was worth a shot. Lady Glyde, come here….

Laura: NO TOUCHY!

Fosco: O…K…

Marian: We can trust him. He saved you.

Laura: I don't trust him. Or anyone. Especially you, Marian. You screwed up. Big time. Not gonna forget that anytime soon.


	7. Septieme

(Cut to the forest with Marian and Laura.)

Anne: (pops up) HI!

Laura: (sees Anne.)

Anne: (sees Laura)

Marian: (sees Laura and Anne.)

Laura: Whoa. It's like we're twins.

Anne: Whoa. It's like we're twins.

Laura: Anne, you are officially my best friend. Because we look alike.

Anne: I HAVE A FRIEND!

Marian: I don't…

Laura and Anne: The truth will set us free. Secrets must be told. And now to conquer the world with our freaky twin-ism!

Marian: You're freaks.

Glyde: (pops up.) HI! Thanks, Marian and Laura. You let us straight to her.

Marian: Crud. That's not good….

Anne: CURSE YOU LADY GLYDE!

Laura: Why aren't you blaming Marian? She's the ugly one.

Marian: Laura. Don't make me kill you.

Glyde: The one in white. Take her back to the asylum.

Person: Uh…she has a bazooka…

Anne: I HAVE A BAZOOKA AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT! Now where's the 'on' button…

Glyde: Dear god…Michael-Michael if you will…

Fosco: Stop calling me that. It's Count Fosco for this musical.

Glyde: Erik-Erik Sweetie-Tums?

Fosco: (blink.) You've been reading fan fiction, haven't you?

Glyde: That's for me to know and you to…uh…never know…

Fosco: Whatever. (adeptly shoots Anne with tranquilizer bazooka.)

Anne: I will tell the world what you did to me, Sir Percival Glyde! Hgadfao svbouirdsadugasdjal sihcvsdifhautug feo ajnbcaoiy sdfeuoeahcaopiyeifhj kujgoafsgbduoas auogfcoau asfd suhfalugho flibberts in the meat pies….

Fosco: She was a danger to herself. I am not a criminal mastermind. I have not orchestrated any of this. (looks around shiftily.) None of it…

Marian: Wow. You're a jerk. And a criminal mastermind. If you don't want anyone to know, you shouldn't make such a big deal of it. If you were a mastermind, you would know that.

(pause.)

Fosco: So now I'm not a mastermind?

Marian: I'm not sure…I think I've just confused everyone more…


	8. Huitieme

(Cut to a little later.)

Laura: I'm really depressed. Marian, you are my only friend since they sent Annie-Poo back to the crazy house.

Marian: Yes…again my position of frightening protective sister is returned to me…THE POWER THE POWER! Anyhoo, I'm going to spy on Fosco and Glyde. It seems like a fun thing to do. Despite the fact that Fosco has a tranquilizer bazooka and a lot of drugs and that Glyde has a strange affection for hatchets. And phanfiction…really don't want to know what that's about…

Laura: I'M SO FRIGHTENED PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!

Marian: No. I have to go spy on the roof.

(She does so.)

Fosco: WE'RE GONNA BE RICH! Or in my case, even richer! You're still in über debt from all your gambling.

Marian: (makes a loud noise.) Oh crud…

Glyde: What was that?

Fosco: Rain. Anyhoo, we'll put Anne away for good. I know a good asylum where we can put her. Or you, if your phantom-addiction goes too far.

Glyde: You'd never take me alive. What about my wife?

Fosco: Oh! Right… can't we just bury her alive in a cellar or something as per _The Cask of Amontillado_?

Glyde: No…we need her money.

Fosco: Fun spoiler. (thinks) I know what we'll do! We'll-

Marian: (kicks over stone vase.) Oh crud.

Glyde: That wasn't the rain.

Fosco: Thank you Signor Obvious.

Marian: And now… to fly away! (jumps down off the rood.) Ow. That was painful. However, they will never find out that it was me! (limps inside laughing manically.)

Fosco: Yeah. It was Marian.

Glyde: That's not good. What'd she hear? She could ruin our plan! Must not ruin plan…

Fosco: We didn't say anything important. And we have to wait. Things will right in the end. Leave it to me.

Glyde: I want the money now.

Fosco: Just please don't start singing and dancing to the money song from Cabaret…

Glyde: _Money makes the world go around…_(That song is from Cabaret, which, again, is not written/owned/created/made fish faces at by either of the authoresses.)

Fosco: Who has an unlimited supply of drugs here?

Glyde: (stops.)

Fosco: Let's drug Marian. It's fun. And it is key that her mind not be a reliable witness for the scenes to come.

(Cut to Marian walking up the stairs.)

Fosco: Drink this.

Marian: No. It's probably something to drug me so that I can't stop yours and Glyde's evil plan.

Fosco: No comment. I'm a doctor. Drink it.

Marian: Since when are you a doctor?

Fosco: Since it became relevant to the plot. Drink.

Marian: Ok. (Drinks. Is sooo stoned for a really long time. Wakes up in her room.)

Fosco: Laura's dead. She was sleepwalking and fell out of her window.

Marian: NOOOOOOOOO! I LOVED MY LAURA! Now I feel guilty, because she told me not to leave her and I did.

Fosco: Wow. You're stupid.


	9. Neufieme

(Cut to the funeral.)

Glyde: I'M SO DEPRESSED I LOVED HER SO MUCH I CAN'T FACE ANOTHER DAY well, I suppose we should work out her will. She had everything her father left her and that means I get it, so if Mr. Fairlie would be so kind as to give me the money he's been living on for the past say sixteen/seventeen years- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING I LOVED HER SO MUCH and now, the money. Now. I want the money now. (picks up hatchet.)

Mr. Fairlie: No. I'm old and sickly and my niece just died. We'll talk in June. Which is coincidentally the year anniversary of when Walter came and the freaky man told him the dead would lie on the tracks.

(Marian goes to London to stalk Walter, as she got kicked out by Glyde and Mr. Fairlie.)

Marian: LAURA THEY KILLED YOU! I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I HAVE ANNE'S BAZOOKA!

Mugger: YOINK! (Takes bazooka and money.)

Marian: Well this sucks. (Sees the portrait that Water painted of Laura in a pawn shop.) (Goes into freak out mode.) WHO GAVE YOU THAT PAINTING I HAVE TO FIND WALTER CAUSE HE'S THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HELP ME PLUS HE'S CUTE AND WITH LAURA GONE HE MIGHT FINALLY LIKE ME!

Pawn Shop Dealer: Please don't kill me, nice if ugly lady.

Marian: Tell.

Pawn Shop Dealer: Ok.

(Marian buys the painting and goes to find Walter.)

Walter: I'm really depressed. Laura, I still love you even though I heard that you're dead. Don't ask me how I heard. I just did. Marian! You stupid idiot, why did you send me away! All thanks to you Laura died. Now we're not even friends. And did you get uglier?

Marian: I know they killed Laura! I have no proof because I was totally stoned, but I know they did it. Help me. I love you.

Walter: No! You sent me away and totally screwed up Laura's life!

Marian: Well, can't you help me, if not for me twitch…f-for her….(mutters) I can't believe I just said that.

Walter: For Laura. I love her so much…We'll be friends again. But only friends. Never, ever more.

Marian: I get it.

Walter: Never ever, ever, ever, ever…

Marian: We have to find Anne Catherick. And Fosco knows where she is. I'll seduce him and get the address.

Walter: You? Seduce? Please. You're the ugly one. And who would like you?

Marian: Shut up.

Walter: No, seriously. You're ugly, poor, you have no social graces, you're a horrid painter, and you live your life like a gothic mystery.

Marian: (picks up hatchet and bazooka.)

Walter: (shuts up.)


	10. Dixieme

(Later)

Walter: Marian! I sold a painting! We can eat tonight! (actual line form the musical)

Marian: (is trying on a rather low cut red dress.) Hey…wow this is awkward…

Walter: (twitches) My eyes….my eyes…

Marian: I'm going to go get the address out of Fosco. As we agreed. You okay?

Walter: My eyes…my eyes…Please let me burn them out with acid…

Marian: (takes all forms of acidic substances out of the apartment/house/hole in the side of a wall that they've been living in.)

(cut to Fosco)

Fosco: I can get away with anything. Now excuse me while I do a happy dance and do a bunch of pointless ornamentals. (He does so)

Marian: (pops up) Yo. (Does a model pose, which would have sent any sane man running for acidic substances. However, Fosco is not sane.)

Fosco: (drools.) You're hot. Now, lets us sing a song that is practically the same as 'The Point of No Return', but with a different tune!

Marian: Oh yes lets.

(They do so)

Marian: I love you. Let's run away together!

Fosco: Score-age!

Marian: Shave your beard.

Fosco: (blinks)

Marian: Shave it.

Fosco: Um…wtf?

Marian: It's ugly. You look like a cross between an egg and a cactus. Seriously. Shave it. Now.

Fosco: O…k… (goes to shave his beard.)

Marian: (finds and steals the address where Anne is.) Score-age!

Fosco: I'm back!

Marian: You're icky. I'm going.

Fosco: No. You can't. (picks up weapon of mass destruction.)

Marian: Please?

Fosco: Ok. (gives WMD to Gavroche, who promptly pops back into Les Misérables world. The plotline of said musical/book is drastically changed.)

(Marian goes.)

Fosco: I'm sad. By the way, you can't get away with anything if you don't get away! (Flees to America with lotta money, hence proving himself right.)

Marian: (changes into a less scarring dress) Let's go see Anne.

Walter: Okay. By the way, you're not that ugly in certain lights.

Marian: Walter, I feel that I really must make my feelings known...

Walter: You're actually sorta pretty. But never as pretty as Laura. She really was the pretty one. I mean, she used stand in front of mirrors going 'WHO'S THE PRETTY ONE?' and-

Marian: Walter. Shut up.

Walter: Will do. By the way, what were you going to say?

Marian: Never mind. It can wait.

(They go to the asylum.)

Marian: Anne? Hello? We have to talk to you.

Anne: (is not Anne, but Laura.)

Laura: (is not dead, but Laura, if slightly more crazy.)

Marian: Wtf?

Laura: THEY PUT ME IN ANNE'S DRESS AND SENT ME HERE AND KILLED ANNE AND PUT HER IN MY GRAVE!

Marian: Wow. Why didn't they kill you too? Seems like it's just stupid of them to leave a witness…

Laura: Shut up.

Marian: Then where's Anne? (Puts two and two together.) OH! They must have killed her and put her in your grave!

Laura: NOOOOOOOOO! I LOVE MY ANNIE-POO AND SHE CAN'T BE DEAD BECAUSE WE NEED TO KNOW THE SECRET!

Marian: That's not good…So now the secret is dead? Wow that sucks…

Laura: Is Walter-kins here?

Marian: (shifty eyes) …No. No he isn't. He left you for Johanna from Sweeney Todd. Yes…yes…that will work…(thinks) If Walter finds out that Laura isn't dead, I will loose all chances I have with him! (is about to knock Laura out with some chloroform when Walter comes in. Marian hides the chloroform.)

Walter: (sees Laura.) Laura Pookey-Pie!

Laura: (sees Walter.) Walter-Kins!

(Slo-mo running and they kiss.)

Marian: So much for getting Walter in the end…

Walter: Let's go force an answer out of your uncle.

Laura: silly-soprano smile Okay. Anne gave me her rubber haddock before she left.


	11. Onzieme

(Cut to Limmeridge House.)

Glyde: Sign here and leave the house and all your money to me. Heh…heh…moneymoneymoney…moneymoneymoney…moneymoneymoney…

Money makes the world go, around the world go around, the world go around… (That is from the musical _Cabaret_ and, as I think I've already stated. I don't own it. Sadly.)

Mr. Fairlie: I'm so sad that all of my relatives are dead. Except for Marian, who has strangely disappeared, but no one really cares because she's the ugly one without any money. What were you saying? Let's have some brandy. I like brandy…

Glyde: twitch FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST SIGN THE FREAKIN' PAPERS ALREADY! That is, please sign. Now.

Mr. Fairlie: OH WOE IS ME MY FAMILY MEMBERS OF ANY IMPORTANCE ARE ALL DEADcough cough hack hack I'M SO SICK AND OLD AND let's have some brandy. (Drinks brandy.) Brandy brandy. I love brandy…

Glyde: (picks up hatchet) SIGN. NOW.

Mr. Fairlie: Okay.

(He signs. Glyde goes to try catch the train to wherever he's going.)

Marian: HI!

Mr. Fairlie: You again. I'm sad. I miss Laura. You're ugly.

Marian: You make me sad. (picks up hatchet)

Walter: MARIAN! STOP THAT. (Marian puts down hatchet). Now, tell us about Anne Catherick.

Mr. Fairlie: No.

Laura: HI! I'M NOT DEAD!

Mr. Fairlie: SMOKE SMOKE! SIGN OF THE DEVIL SIGN OF THE DEVIL CITY ON FIRE WITCH WITCH!

Walter: Wrong musical. This is not 'Sweeney Todd'. I'm trying to put the mass murders behind me and I can't if you keep bringing it up!

(Everyone stares at Walter for a few seconds, then decides to forget the past two lines ever happened).

Mr. Fairlie: I'M SO HAPPY! By the way, Anne is actually Laura's other half sister.

Laura: (blinks) My father had issues with cheating on my mom….

Mr. Fairlie: Yeah…uh…I don't know anything else. I just signed away the estate to Glyde. He's going to London. Was that not a good thing to do?

Walter: No. Actually that sort of ruined our whole plan.

Mr. Fairlie: Oh. Sorry about that. (awkward silence.) Do you want some brandy?

Walter: Actually, I have been a recovering alcoholic and been trying to out all that past me, but you know what-

Marian: Walter. No.

Walter: Sorry. You know Marian, I really love you. You're like a sister. Which is good, because as soon as all this is over, I'm marrying my Laura Pookie Pie and we'll live happily ever after. Anyhoo, let's force an answer out of Glyde!

Laura: Okay! Anything you say, Walter-kins! I'll dress up as Anne and pretend to be a ghost. I luvb you so, my Walter-Walter-Kins.

Walter: I luvb you more, Laura Pookey-Dookey-Pie!

Marian: I feel unluvb-ed…

Walter: You are. You are also ugly.

Marian: Thanks?

Walter: You're welcome. I just thought that you should know that you're ugly. You know, just so your self-esteem doesn't get high or anything.


	12. Douzieme

(Cut to the telegraph station thing by the tracks.)

Glyde: Dude! Signal Man! Hellooo!

Signal Man: Yo.

Glyde: Where's the train?

Signal Man: It'll be here in a few minutes. Be careful. The dead are going to lie on the tracks. It's a year to the day when Walter first came here. (Leaves.)

Glyde: Freak…

Laura: (as Anne.) GLYDE! YOU'RE AN IDIOT!

Glyde: You're dead. We put you in Laura's grave.

Laura: I'M GONNA HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME AND IT WILL HAUNT YOU!

Glyde: That doesn't sound like fun… Oh well. I guess I'll just explain what happened for the audience's sake, because they've been dying to know for the whole play and it's the only reason they haven't left due to Marian's face.

Marian: I RESENT THAT! I also happen to be a horrible singer.

Walter: SHUT UP! WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!

Marian: I love you Walter-Walter-kins.

Walter: Just shut up.

Glyde: O…k….and now. You were a pretty one. You said you were pregnant and that it was mine. But you were probably lying. So I drowned the kid in the lake. It was fun. Ha ha. Your secret's stupid. And no one is ever going to cry for you, because you were crazy and you made a mistake with not telling anyone the secret and then you died. Hahahahahaha….

Laura: I will cry for Anne. By the way, I'm Laura now. And you are such a freaky sociopath…

Glyde: No duh. Now I kill you. (picks up hatchet.)

Walter: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I LUVB MY LAURA-POOKIE-PIE!

(big fight scene. Glyde gets run over by the train. No one is quite sure how, but he is.)

Signal Man: HA! I WAS RIGHT! He's dead, and he's lying on the tracks! I'm not crazy…I'm not…

Laura and Walter: Now we live happily ever after.

Marian: I'm alone. No one loves me.

Laura: Marian, for being such a good friend to Walter and me, you can live with us and see us live happily ever after and have a family etc.

Walter: True. But you're a good friend. And friends are always good to have around. But please wear this paper bag over your face. It will save the eyes of mine and Laura's future children.

Marian: Don't make me kill you.


End file.
